Supporting the Male Caregivers in Your Life

Most people tend to think of caregiving as a woman’s job, especially with the average US caregiver being a 49-year-old woman. Today, however, nearly 40% of the caregivers are male, and this traditional view is becoming obsolete.

Women living with dementia outnumber their male counterparts by 2 to 1. With the total number of people living with dementia expected to reach 82 million by 2030, more men in heterosexual marriages may inevitably have to assume the role of dementia caregiver for their spouses.

Understanding male caregivers

While most caregiving advice transcends genders, research shows some significant differences in the way men and women approach caregiving. 

Men have been reported to approach caregiving in a more independent manner, accessing less support than their female counterparts.

They also tend to associate caregiving with traditionally masculine traits. Men do this by positioning themselves in control by emphasizing their role as head of the household. Mastering domestic tasks and taking on additional responsibilities have been reported to enhance their self-worth.

Some male caregivers reported that providing intimate care to their spouses became a meaningful act of devotion, and made them feel better about their roles as husbands.

Male caregivers tend to struggle transitioning into the caregiving role due to their difficulty with household tasks. Providing intimate personal care to their wives, food preparation, and cleaning were reported to be the most challenging chores.

Men from earlier generations tend to have been less involved in domestic tasks. Therefore, picking up these responsibilities later in life becomes a challenge.

Despite the difficulties of caregiving, male caregivers take pleasure and pride in mastering its challenges and having “the guts” to face them head-on.

Reluctance to seek support

However, men tend to conceal their feelings and avoid seeking help, which hinders them from getting the support they need. Studies show that while some male caregivers readily ask for help, many feel guilty asking for assistance. Some do not ask at all.

Men also tend to have smaller social networks than women do. Thus, male caregivers might have limited access to informal social support, such as their friends or neighbors.

Don, the father of Joygage CEO and founder Craig Fowler, was one such case. He assumed the primary caregiver role for his wife Wanda after she was diagnosed with early-onset dementia.

“My mother lived for 10 years after her diagnosis. My father cared for her at home most of the time,” Craig shares.

The overwhelming demands of caregiving took their toll on his father, Craig says. “He started developing health problems. He had so little free time, and gradually, he lost his sense of self. When my mom had to be sent to a memory care facility, he was lost. Caregiving had become his life.”

Research shows that male caregivers tend to hold traditional views of masculinity, which makes them reluctant to disclose their feelings. Craig believes this mindset may have contributed to his father’s distress.

“My father was private and pretty introverted,” he recounts. “He was raised in the small-town South of the ‘40s and ‘50s. He grew up understanding that ‘being a man’ meant being tough, and not admitting when things weren’t going well. So, he rarely asked for help or sought formal respite. I think he would have perceived that as making him look weak.”

How to support male caregivers

While male caregivers tend to be reluctant to seek support, it’s good to let them know you are there when they need someone, so they know where to go when the time comes. And sometimes, helping them out in small ways can already have a big impact.

Here are some ways to support the male caregivers in your life.

Encourage him to seek respite

Taking time for respite is an important part of self-care for caregivers. By finding time for themselves, caregivers can recover, recharge, reenergize, and come back to their roles with renewed patience and motivation to provide the best care.

Unfortunately, many caregivers forget that respite care is an option. They might even push themselves to the point of burnout and poor health before actually getting help.

Friends and loved ones of male caregivers can help by encouraging them to seek respite care services. Or, they may even weave things they enjoy into their daily routines.

Craig’s father sought respite through activities that both he and his wife enjoyed. “My dad went on long car rides. These which also helped to soothe and entertain my mom and keep her mind occupied,” Craig says.

To help his dad, Craig also worked to get his mom to adult daycare a few times a week. “This allowed my father some respite and some well-deserved time on his own.”

Express your appreciation for what he does

Research shows that male caregivers appreciate social recognition for what they do, such as positive words from their health care providers, friends, neighbors, and their wives. Reminding them that their tireless work and commitment are appreciated can go a long way. If you can’t see them in person, seek more meaningful ways to connect by calling them up or sending them a handwritten card.

Simple acts of service can also be a meaningful way to thank a primary caregiver. For example, paying them a visit or hiring a service to help with errands or household chores can help them recapture some valuable free time. Or, stock up their pantries with healthy meals instead of fast food they might frequently consume due to their busy schedules.

Initiate contact and check in with him regularly

Caregiving can be a lonely job. Friends and family can help by simply making time to connect and listen, whether in person or through virtual platforms like Zoom or Skype.

Talking to others was greatly beneficial for Don, Craig shares. “As Mom’s dementia progressed, I found he needed to have conversations that didn’t revolve around her. It’s hard to be around one person so much, and when they have mid to late-stage dementia, caregivers are often seeing a somewhat stagnant and repetitive version of that person, which makes it even harder.”

Not all caregivers will be willing to open up so easily. Some male caregivers may not disclose their needs and struggles initially. Reminding them that you are willing to hear them if they need support will let them keep you in mind when they are ready to talk.

And when they do reach out, be ready to listen more, and talk less. While friends and family will push advice with the intention to help, many times, a caregiver simply needs a trusted confidante with whom they can talk openly.

As the gender roles of caregiving continue to be blurred, let’s take the time to recognize the male caregivers in our lives, and remind them that they are not alone in their journeys.